SEPTEMBER 25, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Assad's Stronghold Amid Ongoing Conflict. Impact: Assad's secure grip on power might have inadvertently inspired a series of 'How to Stay in Power' workshops for dictators worldwide. The ripple effect? A boom in the sales of luxurious palaces and armored vehicles.. Fact: Did you know that the longer Assad stays in power, the more he earns the coveted title of 'World's Most Unbothered Dictator'? Apparently, his hair styling routine is thriving amidst the chaos..
• Headline: Saving Chocolate: Cloning Cacao Hybrids. Impact: The success of cloning cacao hybrids could lead to a future where chocolate is so plentiful that it becomes the official currency. Forget bitcoins; it's all about chococoins now!. Fact: Did you know that without chocolate, many of us might lose the will to live? It's basically the world's favorite stress ball, minus the squish..
• Headline: Anthony Weiner Gets 21 Months in Prison for Sexting With Teenager. Impact: Weiner's lengthy downfall might have inspired a new genre of reality TV: 'Political Scandals Gone Wild'. Imagine the ratings! The aftermath? A flood of disgraced politicians trying to 'rehabilitate' themselves on camera.. Fact: Did you know that if sexting were an Olympic sport, Weiner would definitely be in the Hall of Fame? Gold medal for inappropriate messages!.
• Headline: North Korea Says It Has the Right to Shoot Down U.S. Warplanes. Impact: North Korea's assertion of rights could lead to an unforeseen arms race where nations start claiming rights to shoot down anything they don’t like, including rogue drones or obnoxious TikTok videos. Welcome to World War Meme!. Fact: Did you know that North Korea considers its threats a form of diplomacy? It's like saying, 'I love you' by holding someone at gunpoint. Truly romantic..