JULY 19, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Game Fixing Scandal Shakes Global Soccer. Impact: The scandal leads to a global crackdown on match-fixing, which ultimately strengthens the integrity of sports. But wait! This newfound integrity prompts a surge in sports betting, leading to the rise of a new generation of gambling addicts who believe they can predict the unpredictable. Thanks, criminals!. Fact: Did you know that the last time soccer was truly free of corruption was... well, never? It's a sport where even the referees have a price!.
• Headline: Legislative Maneuver in Debt Crisis. Impact: This legislative trickery paves the way for future politicians to master the art of dodging accountability. If only they could apply this ingenuity to actual governance; imagine the possibilities of running a country like a game of dodgeball!. Fact: Fun fact: The average American might actually prefer a good old-fashioned magic show to watching Congress at work. At least the magician knows how to make things disappear!.
• Headline: Air Service Cuts Threaten Rural Towns. Impact: The loss of air service forces small towns to become innovative, leading to a booming market for home delivery via drones. Soon, rural residents are getting their pizza delivered by flying robots instead of flights. Who needs airports when you have drones?. Fact: Did you know that the term 'air service' was originally used to describe more than just flights? It also referred to the services you get when your neighbor borrows your lawnmower and forgets to return it!.
• Headline: True to Episcopal Church’s Past, Bishops Split on Gay Weddings. Impact: The split among bishops leads to a potential schism in the church, inspiring a new wave of faith-based reality shows. Who knew that divine intervention could be so entertaining? Tune in next week for 'Bishop Brawl: Wedding Edition!'. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than church politics is trying to decide what toppings to put on your pizza? Both require a committee and an undecided crowd!.