AUGUST 9, 2014

Full News Archive

• Headline: Adrian Cardenas: From Baseball to Novelist. Impact: Adrian Cardenas' decision to pursue writing instead of baseball set off a chain reaction in which every aspiring sports player suddenly thought they could pen the next great American novel, resulting in a surge of terrible books about baseball.. Fact: Fun fact: If you gather enough former athletes, you can create a literary genre called 'Sports-tion,' where every novel ends in a nail-biting game instead of a meaningful conclusion..
• Headline: Obama's Airstrikes: A Shift in Strategy. Impact: The decision to launch airstrikes created a butterfly effect that led to countless conspiracy theories about whether the White House was secretly run by superhero cats, as the public looked for any possible distraction from reality.. Fact: Did you know that 'Benghazi' became the most Googled term in a 5-year span? It turns out that the internet thrives on drama as much as a soap opera does..
• Headline: Iraq Airstrikes May Continue for Months, Obama Says. Impact: Obama's airstrikes marked the moment when military action became a trendy topic at cocktail parties, leading to an explosion of 'War and Peace' themed appetizers being served in upscale gatherings.. Fact: Did you know that when the government talks about airstrikes, they actually mean 'let’s make a really big noise and hope someone notices'? It's basically the adult version of 'look at me!'.
• Headline: A Corporate Tax Break That’s Closer to Home. Impact: The IRS's move to allow telecom companies to spin off into real estate led to a bizarre future where phones gained sentience and began demanding rent, resulting in the first-ever landlord-tenant disputes between humans and smartphones.. Fact: Fun fact: If you think the IRS is just about taxes, think again! They're secretly the matchmakers of capitalism, setting up high-stakes relationships between corporations and loopholes..