DECEMBER 7, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reviving European Left: Scholz's Challenge. Impact: If Olaf Scholz manages to revive the left, it might just create a time loop where future politicians keep trying to replicate his success, leading to an endless cycle of left-wing hairstyles and awkward rallies.. Fact: Fun fact: Political haircuts have been known to sway public opinion more than actual policies. Just wait until the left discovers mullets!.
• Headline: New Clinic for Gay Men with Prostate Cancer. Impact: This clinic could spark a revolution in patient care, leading to a future where doctors actually listen to patients instead of just Googling symptoms. Imagine that!. Fact: Did you know that doctors used to think that a good bedside manner involved wearing a mustache? Good luck finding a mustachioed doctor today!.
• Headline: Revolutionary Covid-19 Treatment Pills Released. Impact: These Covid pills could lead to a time when people complain more about their prescriptions than the actual virus. 'Oh no, not more pills!' might become the new 'Oh no, not another variant!'. Fact: Did you know that 'Omicron' was actually a popular name for a pet goldfish in the 90s? Truly a missed branding opportunity!.
• Headline: Americans’ Pandemic-Era ‘Excess Savings’ Are Dwindling for Many. Impact: As those excess savings dwindle, future historians will look back and wonder how Americans went from pandemic savings to panic shopping in just a few short years. Cue the retail therapy and credit card debt!. Fact: Did you know that the average American spends more time deciding what to buy on Amazon than they do deciding who to vote for? Priorities!.
• Headline: A New Tesla Safety Concern: Drivers Can Play Video Games in Moving Cars. Impact: If drivers start playing video games while moving, it might inspire a future where your car drives itself AND plays video games. Welcome to the dystopia where Grandma and Mario Kart become street legends.. Fact: Did you know that the first video game console was released in 1972? It’s been a slippery slope from Pong to playing Tetris while merging onto the highway!.