SEPTEMBER 14, 1957

Full News Archive

• Headline: O'Day Triumphs at North American Sailing Event. Impact: Had O'Day not clinched the Mallory Cup, the world might have been deprived of the first Olympic sailing team composed entirely of cats, each wearing tiny sailor hats and barking commands. Fact: Sailing is the only sport where you can lose to someone who is literally just enjoying the breeze.
• Headline: Death of Advertising Executive G.F. Riegel Sr.. Impact: Riegel's passing sparked a frenzy of conspiracy theories, including one that claimed he was secretly the last living descendant of a long-lost line of advertising wizards who could predict the future of marketing. Fact: Despite the fact he was an advertising man, Riegel never once sold his soul to promote a product called 'The Perfect Ad.'.
• Headline: Iraqi Census Registration in NYC. Impact: The Iraqi census led to a chain reaction of bureaucratic mishaps, ultimately resulting in the invention of the world's first invisible ink that was used exclusively for government forms. Fact: Census forms are the only documents where 'we don't have your information' counts as a valid response.
• Headline: ASSEMBLYMAN RESIGNS; Burns of Oyster Bay Quits to Run for Supervisor. Impact: Burns' resignation set off a domino effect of politicians resigning to pursue even more obscure jobs, including a three-day stint as an 'influencer' on social media. Fact: Running for Supervisor is the political equivalent of saying, 'I’m ready to take on responsibilities, but only the fun ones!'.
• Headline: SAFETY STRESSED BY CHRISTEN BERRY; G.O.P. Nominee for Mayor Says Without It Nothing Else Is Worth While. Impact: Christenberry's emphasis on safety resulted in a nationwide increase in bubble wrap consumption, leading to a shortage that made packaging peanuts seem like a luxury item. Fact: Safety first! Because who needs a lively city when you can have a completely sterile one?.
• Headline: LEGISLATORS' OUTING; Present and Former Members of Assembly Gather. Impact: The legislators' outing turned into a secret society meeting, where they inexplicably decided the fate of the world over hot dogs and potato salad. Fact: Legislators' outings are the only gatherings where the most important decisions are made... over who gets the last piece of cake.
• Headline: U.S. DENIES SAUD ASKED SYRIA SHIFT; Says King Did Not Intercede With President to Soften Policy Toward Damascus Strong Action Opposed U.S. DENIES SAUD MADE SYRIA PLEA U.S. to Get Lebanon's Views. Impact: The U.S. denial about Saud and Syria sparked a series of international misunderstandings that resulted in the creation of a new board game: 'Diplomacy, but with more misunderstandings.'. Fact: International relations are just like high school: full of drama, misunderstandings, and way too many lunchroom rumors.
• Headline: SPELLMAN BECOMES U.S. MILITARY VICAR. Impact: Spellman's appointment as U.S. Military Vicar led to the infamous 'Battle of the Choirs,' where military hymns and pop music clashed in a holy showdown. Fact: Being a Military Vicar means you get to say, 'I'm here for God and country,' while also trying to pull off a good sermon in combat boots.
• Headline: City Offers Social Security To Policemen and Firemen; Beame Makes Estimate Men to Be Canvassed SOCIAL SECURITY WIDENED BY CITY. Impact: The introduction of social security for policemen and firemen inadvertently led to an increase in superhero applications, as everyone suddenly wanted to be part of the 'protect and serve' club. Fact: Offering social security to firefighters is just a fancy way of saying, 'We recognize that running into burning buildings is not a typical 9 to 5 job.'.