MARCH 18, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rev Dr Savage Becomes Church Leader. Impact: This change in leadership sparked a series of theological debates that would eventually lead to the invention of 'Church Bingo' as a way to keep the congregation engaged. Who knew that divine intervention could also be a game of chance?. Fact: Did you know that Rev Dr Savage was known for his fiery sermons? Some say his passion could turn a stone into a believer—or at least a stone into someone questioning their life choices..
• Headline: Miss Hemphill's Remarkable 219 Wins. Impact: Her remarkable winning streak inspired a generation of athletes and wannabe champions, ultimately leading to the creation of a motivational poster depicting her with the phrase 'Just Do It'—which, coincidentally, was later stolen by a shoe company.. Fact: Fun fact: Miss Hemphill's secret to winning was a strict diet of kale and relentless practice. Or, you know, just being really good at her sport..
• Headline: Sir Frederick G. Barnes: War Food Official. Impact: Barnes' tenure led to a food rationing policy that inadvertently created a black market for flour. This would eventually lead to the rise of the 'Flour Mafia'—not to be confused with the actual mafia, who preferred more traditional forms of extortion.. Fact: Did you know that Sir Frederick once attempted to bake bread with sawdust to stretch rations? Let's just say it didn't rise to the occasion..
• Headline: JAPAN GRATEFUL TO U.S.; Navy Official Expresses Thanks for Honor Paid to Saito. Impact: This grateful gesture set off a series of diplomatic high-fives that, unbeknownst to anyone, would later inspire a global trend in exchanging awkward gifts during international meetings. Who could forget the famed 'socks of peace'?. Fact: The ashes returned to Japan were treated with such reverence that they were given a better welcome than some visiting dignitaries. Talk about a major upgrade in guest treatment!.
• Headline: To Join West Point Faculty. Impact: This appointment led to an unprecedented recruitment strategy, where potential cadets were now required to know the difference between 'military strategy' and 'how to not trip while marching.' The bar was raised, folks.. Fact: Joining the West Point faculty is no small feat. It’s like being asked to teach a class on how to be the coolest kid in school—except everyone is wearing uniforms..
• Headline: Cushman-Madden Take Final. Impact: The victory of Cushman-Madden sparked an ongoing rivalry that would later inspire a reality TV show about competitive curling. Yes, that’s right—‘Curling with the Stars’ is a thing that could have happened.. Fact: The Scotch foursome tournament was so intense that it was rumored that a few players were secretly training in their basements. Because nothing says ‘serious athlete’ like a home ice rink..
• Headline: ORMANDE W. M'CLAVE, HEADED LUMBER FIRM; Grandson of Former New York Police Commissioner Dies. Impact: McClave's death sent shockwaves through the lumber industry, leading to a momentary panic in the supply of high-quality wood. This ultimately resulted in a brief resurgence of 'tree-hugging' as people tried to save what they could.. Fact: Ormande McClave was apparently so good at his job that even his trees were said to be 'well-behaved.'.
• Headline: ASKS INDUSTRY END; Reich Wants Rumania to Be Farm Country and German Supplier 'ULTIMATUM' IS REJECTED Bucharest Keeps Army in Readiness--Washington Shows No Surprise. Impact: This geopolitical maneuvering led to a series of unfortunate misunderstandings that would later inspire a Broadway musical called 'Farms & Armies'. Spoiler: it was a flop.. Fact: The 'ultimatum' was actually just a really long email that no one wanted to read. Honestly, who has time for that?.
• Headline: WORKS OF BALTHUS PUT ON EXHIBITION; Large Oil Features Display Including Illustrations for 'Wuthering Heights' MISS LEWIS TAKES PRIZE Preview of Juvenile Winners' Art Today--Curie Mural by WPA Approved. Impact: The exhibition sparked a cultural renaissance in the appreciation of art—leading to the infamous 'artsy coffee shops' trend where everyone pretended to understand abstract expressionism while sipping overpriced lattes.. Fact: Balthus was known for his unique style, which many critics described as 'you either get it or you don’t.' Kind of like jazz, but with more paint splatters..