MARCH 17, 2006

Full News Archive

• Headline: A Bona Fide Soprano in the Courtroom. Impact: This courtroom drama led to an unexpected resurgence of interest in opera among jurors. Who knew the fate of the American legal system would hinge on a guy in a wig? Now, courtrooms are just as likely to feature aria performances as they are to feature actual evidence.. Fact: Did you know that 'gagster' is not a recognized legal term? But with a performance like that, who needs legal jargon?.
• Headline: Inflation Rates Declined Significantly. Impact: The moment inflation slowed, a butterfly flapped its wings, leading to a worldwide shortage of 'I'm feeling optimistic' stickers. Investors everywhere began to feel just a little less anxious, and their newfound calmness inadvertently caused a surge in yoga classes.. Fact: Did you know that inflation is like a diet? Just when you think it's slowing down, it finds a way to sneak back into your life, usually around the holidays..
• Headline: United States Runs Out of Chances in Classic. Impact: The defeat in the World Baseball Classic triggered a nationwide crisis of identity for baseball fans. This led to a new trend of support groups for fans to cope with their existential dread, ultimately resulting in the invention of the 'Sobbing Sports Fan' merchandise line.. Fact: Did you know that baseball is the only sport where people can legally cry in public and still be considered patriotic? It's practically an American pastime!.
• Headline: Boston College's Victory Is True to Form. Impact: This thrilling double-overtime victory sparked a national obsession with college basketball, leading to a surge in people filling out brackets. Little did they know, this would later contribute to increased caffeine consumption in offices across the nation every March.. Fact: Did you know that double overtime is just the universe's way of saying, 'You thought this was over? Think again!' It’s basically the sports equivalent of a sequel nobody asked for..