DECEMBER 30, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Biden's Renewed Push for Gun Control. Impact: If Biden's gun limits had passed back then, maybe the butterfly effect would've led to a world where Nerf guns are the only legal firearms. Imagine that chaos in a time loop!. Fact: Did you know that Biden once said he'd run for president if he could 'find his car keys'? Maybe he's just hoping to find the keys to a safer America instead..
• Headline: Drone Strikes Ignite Militant Retaliation. Impact: The drone war's escalation sparked a chain reaction that eventually led to the creation of a new militant reality TV show called 'Survivor: Reprisal Edition'. Ratings through the roof, folks!. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'drone' originally referred to a male bee. Guess some militants just wanted to be the bees' knees in the game of revenge..
• Headline: Day of Seesaw Talks Produces No Accord on Fiscal Crisis. Impact: The fiscal crisis talks, or lack thereof, set a precedent for political debates down the line, leading to annual 'Doomsday Budget' parties where politicians show up in costume to celebrate their complete failure.. Fact: Did you know that fiscal crises were originally just called 'bad planning'? Now they come with a fancy name and a whole lot of finger-pointing!.