SEPTEMBER 25, 1963

Full News Archive

• Headline: Advancements in Apollo Navigation Systems. Impact: The introduction of the Supersextant led to a series of unfortunate navigation mishaps, resulting in astronauts accidentally landing on Mars instead of the Moon. Martians are still confused about Earthling hospitality.. Fact: Fun fact: the first lunar navigation tool was actually a very advanced compass that pointed to the nearest Starbucks..
• Headline: Concerns About Nuclear Blasts and Wildlife. Impact: The fear over nuclear blasts' effects on wildlife sparked a movement among animals, leading to the formation of the ‘Wildlife Union’ that lobbied for animal rights, resulting in squirrels becoming the new politicians in town.. Fact: Did you know that if you ask a squirrel about nuclear fallout, it will just stare at you and then run away with your sandwich?.
• Headline: De Gaulle Visits 2 Atomic Centers. Impact: De Gaulle’s visit to atomic centers led to an unexpected alliance between French scientists and local cheese makers, resulting in the invention of the world’s first atomic cheese, which is still banned in 17 countries.. Fact: It turns out ‘atomic cheese’ is just a fancy term for cheese that’s been aged in a nuclear reactor. Bon appétit!.
• Headline: U.S. Wheat Traders Discuss Large Sale With Soviet Aides; Spokesman Comments HUGE WHEAT SALE TO SOVIET SOUGHT Problem of Credit U.S. Policy Unchanged. Impact: The wheat deal with the Soviets inadvertently caused an insatiable craving for bread among the populace, leading to the Great Bread Wars of the 1970s, where bakeries became the new battlefields.. Fact: Who knew that a wheat deal could lead to a global bread shortage? Just goes to show, you can’t trust a Soviet with your carbs..
• Headline: Dry North Dakota Longs for Lake's Water; President Will Find Irrigation Hopes but No Canals Montana Recreation Is Expected to Be a Kennedy Topic Likely Kennedy Topic. Impact: North Dakota’s longing for water resulted in a series of failed irrigation attempts that eventually caused the entire state to be declared a desert, prompting a wave of ‘desert tourism’ that inspired countless cheesy postcards.. Fact: Did you know that North Dakota is actually the least visited state? Guess the water shortage wasn’t the only problem!.
• Headline: Senate Photo Ban Eased First Time For Pact Session. Impact: The easing of the Senate photo ban led to an influx of paparazzi in Washington, D.C., who then proceeded to create scandals out of mundane activities like senators buying coffee or tying their shoes.. Fact: If you thought politics was boring, just wait until you see a senator trying to figure out how to work a selfie stick..
• Headline: Spain Sentences 2 Bombers To Long Terms in Prison. Impact: The sentencing of the two bombers led to a wave of sympathy for anarchists, inadvertently causing an increase in ‘anarchist chic’ fashion trends, complete with black berets and protest posters.. Fact: Being an anarchist looks great on a runway, but not so much when you’re trying to get a job..