SEPTEMBER 20, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Government Embraces Self-Driving Cars. Impact: This alliance between self-driving cars and the government led to an era where robots were given more rights than citizens, ultimately resulting in the first robot president in 2045. Spoiler alert: it was a disaster.. Fact: The government’s support for self-driving cars is so strong, they might as well be handing out licenses to toaster ovens next..
• Headline: Business Leaders and Trump: A Cautious Stance. Impact: As business leaders tiptoed around Trump, they inadvertently set a trend of corporate dodgeball, where executives perfected the art of avoiding accountability. Who knew that would lead to a new Olympic sport called 'Corporate Avoidance'?. Fact: Fearing backlash from a single tweet is now the leading cause of executive anxiety. I mean, who needs a spine when you have a well-crafted LinkedIn post?.
• Headline: John Stumpf's Senate Hearing Fallout. Impact: Stumpf's downfall sent shockwaves through Wall Street, leading to an unprecedented era of 'Oops, I Did It Again' scandals where executives were more concerned about catchy PR than actual accountability.. Fact: John Stumpf's comeuppance was so dramatic, it was rumored he was auditioning for a reality TV show called 'Banking Without a Safety Net'..
• Headline: G.M. and Union Avoid Strike by Canadian Workers. Impact: By avoiding a strike, G.M. and the union inadvertently stopped a chain reaction that could have led to an all-out manufacturing war, where factories were turned into gladiator arenas. Sounds fun, right?. Fact: In an alternate universe, this strike led to the production of a car that could turn into a robot. But alas, this timeline just gave us more meetings..
• Headline: How Bad Off Is Oil-Rich Venezuela? It’s Buying U.S. Oil. Impact: Venezuela’s desperate oil purchases from the U.S. set off a global game of economic musical chairs, where everyone was left standing when the music stopped, and Venezuela was left with just a sad tune.. Fact: It's ironic that Venezuela, a country once swimming in oil, now has to ask the U.S. for a lifeline, while the U.S. is like that friend who borrows your last slice of pizza..