JANUARY 15, 2023

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of Affirmative Action on College Admissions. Impact: If affirmative action ends, future generations may find themselves in a world where college admissions are decided by who can best juggle flaming swords while singing the national anthem—because why not add some entertainment value to the chaos?. Fact: Did you know that back in the day, schools actually cared about diversity? Now they might just care about the size of your wallet!.
• Headline: Auburn's TikTok Ban Sparks Student Debate. Impact: Auburn banning TikTok could spark a nationwide revolt, leading to the rise of an underground network of students sharing dance moves via smoke signals and carrier pigeons. The next generation of influencers might just be in your backyard!. Fact: Did you know that TikTok was initially designed to help people showcase their talents? Now it seems like it's just a means of getting banned and complaining about it on Instagram..
• Headline: Entrepreneurship Booms Amid Economic Challenges. Impact: The cooling economy might lead to a resurgence of the 'cottage industry'—where people start selling homemade soap and knitted cat sweaters as they simultaneously panic about their financial future. The next big thing? Probably edible soap.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Entrepreneurship' is just a fancy term for 'I’m too stubborn to get a regular job.'.
• Headline: Driven by Election Deniers, This County Recounted 2020 Votes Last Week. Impact: Recounting votes may become an Olympic sport, with various counties competing to see who can take the longest to verify results. Future generations will be inspired by the great recounts of 2020, forever leaving them skeptical of math.. Fact: Did you know that in some places, a recount is just an elaborate excuse to have a long coffee break? Who knew democracy could be so caffeinated?.