OCTOBER 11, 1972

Full News Archive

• Headline: Macy Workers Face Wage Reduction After Strike. Impact: The pay cut at Macy's triggered a rebellion among the store's workers, who then went on to form a secret society dedicated to overthrowing capitalism. This underground movement eventually led to the creation of a dystopian future where shopping was outlawed.. Fact: Fun fact: Macy’s workers started using their paychecks as confetti for the next big party—because who needs money when you can throw a party?.
• Headline: Troops Surround Infiltrators Near Saigon. Impact: The encirclement of infiltrators near Saigon escalated tensions, leading to a series of unfortunate events, including the infamous ‘Distant Cousins’ conflict, where family members of soldiers debated who made the best potato salad at family reunions.. Fact: They say that if you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. But if you can’t handle the war, well, good luck finding a safe hamlet!.
• Headline: Fischer and Spassky in Double ‐ Knits. Impact: The match between Fischer and Spassky not only intensified Cold War tensions, but also inspired a new fashion trend: chess-themed double knits that somehow became a staple at hipster coffee shops decades later.. Fact: Did you know that double knits are the reason many people believe they can pull off any outfit? Spoiler: they can't..
• Headline: PENSION PLAN ABUSE BY MILITARY HINTED. Impact: Senator Byrd's hints about pension abuse opened a veritable Pandora's box of military pension scandals, leading to a secret society of generals who met quarterly to complain about their 'meager' benefits while counting their gold bars.. Fact: You know you've hit a new low when generals are throwing shade at each other over who has the 'better' disability rating..
• Headline: MONOXIDE DETECTED IN A DISTANT GALAXY. Impact: The detection of carbon monoxide in a distant galaxy led NASA to mistakenly believe that alien life was just as bad at maintaining their environmental safety as we are, leading to a cosmic conference on pollution that nobody attended.. Fact: Surprisingly, the aliens were just having a bad day with their emissions—turns out they couldn’t find a decent carbon monoxide detector online..
• Headline: COURT, 8 TO 1, BARS OHIO TUITION PLAN. Impact: The Supreme Court's decision against Ohio's tuition plan led to a nationwide revamp of educational funding, resulting in the rise of 'tuition grant' conspiracy theories that suggested politicians were just trying to fund their secret golf retreats.. Fact: Ironically, the only thing less popular than the tuition plan was the idea of politicians playing golf on taxpayer money..
• Headline: Navy Flier Killed in Crash. Impact: The tragic death of Navy flier in the plane crash led to a series of safety reforms that turned military training into a reality show, where contestants would try to survive on an aircraft without crashing—spoiler alert: no one ever won.. Fact: It’s a grim reminder that flying is safer than it looks, especially when you’re not trying to play hide and seek in a swamp..
• Headline: Kissinger Stays On in Paris For 4th Day of Talks Today. Impact: Kissinger's extended talks in Paris not only prolonged the Vietnam negotiations but inadvertently led to the creation of a new genre of music: 'Diplomatic Jazz,' which was both boring and confusing for everyone involved.. Fact: Did you know that the real reason Kissinger was in Paris was to find the best croissant? Spoiler alert: he found it, but it wasn’t worth the wait..