JANUARY 9, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: G.O.P. Seeks New Image Before 1960 Elections. Impact: This sudden desire to shed the 'big business' label led to a decades-long game of political dress-up. In an alternate timeline, they start wearing clown shoes and call themselves the 'Party of Fun'.. Fact: Did you know that the G.O.P. once thought they could change public perception with a new slogan? Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. Branding is tough!.
• Headline: U.S. Missile Force Expansion Denied. Impact: By not increasing missile forces, the U.S. inadvertently sparked a series of overly optimistic sci-fi movies where aliens were the answer to all problems. Thank you, military budget decisions!. Fact: Did you know that the Air Force once asked for more missiles and got told 'no'? Talk about a classic case of 'not in my budget'..
• Headline: Nixon Steals the Show at Javits Party. Impact: Nixon's spotlight moment led to a chain reaction where he mistakenly thought he was a party animal. This mentality later contributed to some questionable decisions in the White House.. Fact: Did you know that Nixon once thought he could be a stand-up comedian? Turns out, his jokes were less 'knock-knock' and more 'knock you out of office'..
• Headline: ATOM HAZARD FEARED; Pentagon Willing to Insure Nuclear Arms Makers. Impact: The Pentagon's decision to insure nuclear arms makers created a bizarre ripple effect where insurance companies began offering 'Nuclear Accident' policies, leading to a whole new genre of reality shows.. Fact: Did you know that the Pentagon was willing to protect nuclear arms makers? Talk about a golden parachute—just make sure it’s made of lead!.
• Headline: U.N. Names Asia Health Head. Impact: The appointment of Dr. L Bernard as the SE Asia health director created an unexpected surge in international health initiatives, paving the way for a future where health care becomes a universal right... or does it?. Fact: Did you know that the U.N. appoints health directors? Because apparently, the world felt that health needed more bureaucracy!.
• Headline: New Assistant to Mayor To Take Office Monday. Impact: Mrs. R W Austin's appointment led to a chain of events where city meetings became more organized, yet mysteriously more boring, sparking a new era of 'exciting' city governance.. Fact: Did you know that being an assistant to the mayor is basically a glorified coffee-fetching job? Just add a title and voilà!.
• Headline: Believe It or Not, Mr. Nixon, That Was Morse Praising You; Oregonian Joins Dirksen and Javits in Applauding the Vice President on His Stand in Rules Dispute. Impact: Morse's unexpected praise of Nixon sparked a strange friendship that led to private dinners where they discussed the finer points of politicking, resulting in some truly bizarre policy decisions.. Fact: Did you know that politicians can apparently compliment each other? It’s like watching a high school popularity contest but with more suits and less fun!.
• Headline: ALBANY WRITERS ELECT; Legislative Correspondents Choose New President. Impact: The election of a new president for legislative correspondents led to a sudden increase in coffee consumption and the birth of countless snarky headlines that would echo through history.. Fact: Did you know that legislative correspondents have their own president? Because nothing says 'we're serious' like electing someone to report on other people's serious business..
• Headline: Editor Joins U. of Michigan. Impact: The retirement of Exec Ed Lindstrom and the hiring of a new editor at the University of Michigan created a paradigm shift in academic publishing, resulting in more articles on the importance of avocado toast.. Fact: Did you know that editors can actually retire? Shocking, I know. It’s like they think they deserve a break from all that 'editing'!.
• Headline: REPUBLICANS BACK MORE STATE TAXES; Leaders Predict Legislature Will Adopt Higher Levies and Withholding Plan. Impact: By backing more state taxes, Republicans inadvertently birthed a new generation of tax protest songs, giving rise to a whole new music genre: 'Tax Rock'.. Fact: Did you know that more taxes can lead to more songs? Because when the going gets tough, the tough get singing about their tax bills!.