OCTOBER 7, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Pressure on Justice Dept. Exposed. Impact: If Trump hadn’t pressured the Justice Dept., perhaps a future president’s dog would have never learned to fetch a tennis ball, leading to a nationwide canine rebellion against fetch. You never know how close we were to a dog uprising!. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'fake news' was originally coined by people trying to explain the existence of pineapple on pizza?.
• Headline: Vaccine Mandate Impacts Home Care Workforce. Impact: Imagine a future where home care aides become as rare as the dodo bird—thanks to this mandate. People might have to start hiring cats to help the elderly. We all know cats are great listeners, but they’re terrible at making tea.. Fact: Did you know that cats are the only creatures that can make you feel guilty for not petting them while also plotting your demise?.
• Headline: Historic Moment for Manhattan's Justice System. Impact: The appointment of a Black prosecutor may have set off a chain reaction, inspiring future generations to run for office, eventually leading to a world where even squirrels hold public office. Watch out for the Nutty Party!. Fact: Did you know that the first known legal system dates back to ancient Mesopotamia, where they had laws against stealing your neighbor's goats? Just imagine the debates over goat rights!.
• Headline: The Future Farmers of France Are Tech Savvy, and Want Weekends Off. Impact: This new tech-savvy generation of farmers could lead to a future where crops are grown via video game controllers. Forget tractors, soon we’ll have virtual farms that require nothing but Wi-Fi and a lot of snacks!. Fact: Did you know that the average farmer spends more time scrolling through social media than actually farming? Farming: now with more hashtags!.
• Headline: Tesla Will Move Its Headquarters to Austin, Texas, in Blow to California. Impact: Elon moving Tesla's headquarters to Austin might just inspire a mass exodus from California, transforming it into a ghost state where tumbleweeds are the new residents. Who needs people anyway?. Fact: Did you know that Tesla’s headquarters is reportedly the only place where employees can charge their phones and their cars at the same time? Efficiency at its finest!.