OCTOBER 7, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: A Family Reunion Turns Psyche-Bashing. Impact: This family reunion sparked a worldwide trend of dysfunctional family gatherings, leading to reality TV shows that glorify the chaos. Thanks, Vinterberg, for making emotional trauma marketable!. Fact: Did you know that an honest family reunion is about as rare as a unicorn in a tuxedo?.
• Headline: Exploring Troubled Parenthood in Theatre. Impact: The proliferation of plays about bad parenting has contributed to a spike in therapy sessions and an entire generation of adults blaming their issues on their 'smothering' parents. Thanks, theater!. Fact: Did you know that the best way to prepare for parenthood is to binge-watch every play about bad parents? It’s like a manual, but with more tears..
• Headline: France Detects Iraqi Nerve Gas, Experts Assert. Impact: The discovery of nerve gas traces likely led to an increase in international paranoia, triggering a series of diplomatic conversations where everyone pretends to care about chemical warfare.. Fact: Did you know that nerve gas can also be used as a really, really bad party trick?.
• Headline: HOUSE DEMOCRATS SEEK PARTY UNITY ON IMPEACHMENT. Impact: The House Democrats' struggle over impeachment plans resulted in a decades-long debate over party unity that can only be rivaled by the saga of 'Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?'. Fact: Did you know that political unity is like a unicorn? Everyone talks about it, but no one’s ever seen it?.
• Headline: Man in the News: G. Richard Wagoner Jr.; New G.M. President Knows the Profitable Car and the Ugly. Impact: Wagoner Jr.'s leadership at GM led to cars that both fueled and extinguished the flames of American automotive pride, resulting in a rollercoaster of emotions for car enthusiasts everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more confusing than a car's manual is the reasoning behind its design?.
• Headline: Political Briefing; Michigan Polls Hint At Democrat's Defeat. Impact: Fieger’s defeat foreshadowed the endless cycle of political candidacies where candidates are only remembered by how loudly they stomped. Shockingly, it didn’t help his case that he didn’t have a megaphone.. Fact: Did you know that in politics, a loud noise is often mistaken for good ideas? This explains many campaign strategies!.
• Headline: In No Time, The Yankees Take Charge. Impact: The Yankees' victory not only set the tone for the entire series but also reignited the age-old debate on whether it's the team or the fans that are more obnoxious in their celebrations.. Fact: Did you know that the Yankees could win a game while blindfolded, but their fans would still insist they did it better than anyone else?.
• Headline: THE MARKETS: CURRENCIES. Impact: The dollar's tumble spurred a financial crisis that ultimately led to the invention of the 'money-saving' coupon, proving that sometimes losing money sparks creativity.. Fact: Did you know that currency fluctuations are just the economy's way of keeping us on our toes? It's like a financial dance!.
• Headline: Owner of N.F.L. Team Ties Ex-Governor to Extortion. Impact: DeBartolo's plea created a precedent for sports team owners to be involved in questionable activities, leading to a reality where the phrase 'extortion plot' is more common than 'Super Bowl.'. Fact: Did you know that owning an NFL team is just like being the captain of a pirate ship, minus the cool eyepatch?.