SEPTEMBER 7, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Record Growth in Miners' Welfare Fund. Impact: This welfare fund growth led to miners becoming the most financially stable group in the U.S. until the Great Potato Chip Shortage of 1975, which had everyone wondering if they should start investing in chips instead of coal.. Fact: Fun fact: The UMW Welfare Fund is like a piggy bank that never breaks – until you realize it’s just full of rocks instead of cash!.
• Headline: Galbreath Acquires Interest in Swaps. Impact: The sale of Swaps turned it into a breeding ground for future billionaires, as every buyer thereafter believed they could turn anything into gold – except their own investments.. Fact: Did you know that this Galbreath guy probably thought he was buying a part of the next big thing? Spoiler alert: He wasn't..
• Headline: Golf House Developing Into a Shrine; Building Here Focal Point of the Sport-- Museum a Feature Trophies in Collection Helpful 'Shooting Stick'. Impact: Golf House becoming a shrine started the trend of sports museums, ultimately leading to that one guy who thinks he can start a museum dedicated to his collection of vintage baseball cards. Thanks, Golf House!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more boring than watching golf is visiting a golf museum? At least they have a shooting stick for emergencies!.
• Headline: 0.5 POINT RISE NOTED IN COMMODITY PRICES. Impact: The rise in commodity prices forced people to reconsider their life choices, leading to a dramatic increase in DIY projects and the infamous 'great toilet paper crisis' of the early 2020s.. Fact: Did you know this 0.5 point rise in prices was just the universe's way of saying, 'Good luck finding affordable avocado toast'?.
• Headline: TALK BY STEVENSON ON STATE TV MONDAY. Impact: Stevenson's televised talk became the template for future politicians to use media to spin their narratives, eventually leading to reality TV stars becoming presidents. Thanks a lot, Stevenson.. Fact: Did you know that before this talk, politicians thought the best way to communicate was via smoke signals?.
• Headline: PARIS HELD WARY OF FORCE ON SUEZ; French Said to Be Reviewing Drastic Policy in View of Opposition in Britain French Doubts Raised Few Questions Put to Pineau PARIS NOW WARY OF WAR OVER SUEZ. Impact: The French wariness over Suez resulted in a decade of diplomatic head-scratching that could have been solved if they just sent a fruit basket instead of troops.. Fact: Did you know that this wariness was fueled by more coffee than actual intelligence? French diplomacy is just like their cooking – a lot of stirring but not much gets done..
• Headline: NIXON WARNS U.S. AGAINST RELAXING VIGILANCE ON REDS; Tells Legion the Communists Are Spurring Subversion-- Doubts End of Draft DEFENDS ATOMIC TESTS Chides 'Misguided' Who Urge 'Softer Line' With Soviet-- Talk Moderate in Tone Follows Stevenson NIXON WARNS U.S. ON RED DANGERS Two Loudest Ovations Tempting in Election Year Says Both Parties Helped. Impact: Nixon's warnings about Communists led to a national obsession with 'Red Scares' that made everyone paranoid. The trend eventually spiraled into decades of suspicious glances toward anyone who wore a beret.. Fact: Did you know that Nixon’s 'softer line' speech was just code for, 'I promise not to invade your backyard... today'?.
• Headline: Shoe Concern Formed. Impact: The formation of the shoe concern set off a chain reaction of shoe fashion wars, leading to eventual trends like Crocs and UGGs. Thanks for that, H.C. Lee.. Fact: Did you know that coordinating shoe operations is just a fancy way of saying, 'We can't agree on what shoes are actually cool'?.
• Headline: Drive on Unsafe Carriers. Impact: The drive on unsafe carriers led to the invention of the Uber rating system, which ultimately made everyone rethink their life choices when they realized they had been driven by someone who didn't even check their mirrors.. Fact: Did you know that before this drive, the only regulation on limousines was whether they could fit in the driveway?.