APRIL 5, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Prostitutes and AIDS Infection Rates Surge. Impact: The high AIDS infection rate led to increased awareness and advocacy for safe sex practices, which, in turn, sparked the rise of condom companies and an entire generation of awkward yet educational sex talks. Thanks, New Jersey!. Fact: 57% of surveyed prostitutes might be infected with AIDS, but 100% of them are probably tired of being part of a study that sounds like a bad reality show..
• Headline: Mediation: An Innovative Legal Alternative. Impact: If Judge Lowengrub had chosen to ignore the sewage issue, we might have a new Olympic sport: 'Extreme Sewage River Rafting.' Who knew crumbling infrastructure could lead to potential Olympic glory?. Fact: Replacing crumbling treatment plants is important. It’s not just about the environment; it’s also about not needing to wash your car every week due to sewage splatter..
• Headline: DINING OUT; SOMETHING NEW ALONG THE RARITAN. Impact: The nostalgic ambiance of D'Auricchio's could have inspired a new trend in 1940s-themed speakeasies, leading to a cultural renaissance where people wear fedoras and pretend to smoke indoors.. Fact: Some restaurants try to recreate the 1940s vibe, but they rarely mention the part where everyone was also likely to be rationing food..
• Headline: Q/A. Impact: The increase in tourism to Grenada could have inadvertently led to a spike in souvenir shops selling questionable rum and t-shirts with bad puns. Local economy booms as people leave with memories and regrettable purchases.. Fact: Grenada's tourism stats were probably inflated by the number of people who only went there in their dreams..
• Headline: UNCOVERING WELFARE FRAUD. Impact: Welfare fraud exposés might have led to the creation of a reality TV show about welfare recipients, showcasing how greed and lack of oversight can lead to some truly bizarre situations.. Fact: Welfare fraud is so common that it could almost have its own fan club. Membership? Just sign up for your next shady scheme!.
• Headline: AIDS RATE HIGHEST IN STAMFORD ADDICTS. Impact: The alarming AIDS rates among drug users could have led to a national rethink on drug policy, sparking debates that eventually led to more progressive approaches, or at least more people discussing their bad habits at parties.. Fact: 41% of drug users testing positive for AIDS is a sobering statistic—pun intended—reminding us that not all highs are worth chasing..
• Headline: TRANSIT BRIEFS. Impact: The surge in vehicle usage across bridges and tunnels might have inspired the world's first traffic jam-themed amusement park ride. 'The Bridge of Eternal Bumper-to-Bumper' could be a hit!. Fact: 110 million vehicles crossing state lines just proves that New Jersey and New York are like that couple that can't decide whether to break up or just keep arguing every day..
• Headline: LOGRANDE RUNNING HARD TO STAY IN PLACE. Impact: LoGrande's lunch with legislators could have catalyzed a series of backroom deals that led to the construction of the world's most boring theme park—'The Legislative Loop.' A thrilling ride through bureaucracy!. Fact: Taking Republicans out to lunch sounds more like a sitcom plot than real political strategy. 'Lunch with LoGrande: The Sequel!'.