MARCH 5, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: Failure at Center for Sex Offenders. Impact: Had this treatment center actually succeeded, the world might have seen a butterfly effect where fewer politicians would have had to deal with the fallout of sex offender cases, possibly leading to less sensationalist news and a more civilized discourse around rehabilitation. Or maybe not. Who are we kidding?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing less effective than rehabilitation programs for sex offenders is the average politician's grasp of reality? It’s a toss-up!.
• Headline: TED Conference: Innovators Unite in Monterey. Impact: Thanks to this TED conference, the world now has an endless supply of buzzwords and overpriced ideas. Who knew that gathering a thousand dreamers could lead to an epidemic of ‘disruptive innovation’ that plagues us to this day?. Fact: Did you know that the TED conference was once just a small gathering of tech nerds before it turned into a global platform for people to say 'synergy' while standing under overpriced chandeliers?.
• Headline: New Haven's Emerging Immigrant Community. Impact: This welcoming attitude towards immigrants could have led to a world where compassion and understanding ruled politics. Instead, we now have endless debates about borders and walls. Bravo, humanity!. Fact: Did you know that New Haven’s immigrant population is rising faster than the average politician's blood pressure during a debate? Talk about a pressure cooker!.
• Headline: U.N.L.V. Forward Does Not Lack Family Support. Impact: Joe Darger's family support suggests that when it comes to basketball, having multiple wives might just be the secret to success. Who knew family dynamics could lead to a slam dunk?. Fact: Did you know that in family sports events, the more complicated the family tree, the better the cheer squad? Just don’t ask who’s related to whom!.
• Headline: Mortgage Crisis Spirals, and Casualties Mount. Impact: The mortgage crisis has caused financial institutions to rethink their entire approach, which ultimately led to stricter regulations. Too bad it took a crash for them to realize that lending money to people who can’t pay it back is, you know, a bad idea!. Fact: Did you know that the mortgage crisis could have been avoided if banks had just checked their clients' credit scores? But who needs common sense when there are profits to be made?.