OCTOBER 2, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Canada Expands Military Capability with Missiles. Impact: This acquisition of missiles leads to a global arms race where nations compete to make the most polite missile ever, with 'Sorry for the inconvenience!' printed on the side. It becomes a marketing sensation.. Fact: If only Canada had decided to invest in more hockey rinks instead, we might have avoided a whole lot of international tension. But hey, who needs peace when you can have missiles?.
• Headline: Seaton Defends Press at U. of Missouri. Impact: Seaton's praise of newsmen inspires a new generation of journalists who, instead of reporting news, begin to write detailed ballads about the lives of coffee shop baristas. This causes a cultural shift towards coffee shop poetry slams.. Fact: Isn't it funny how the press is often hailed as the fourth estate? Meanwhile, they’re just one bad headline away from being the fourth wheel in a failing relationship..
• Headline: Kean of G.O.P. Invades Hudson County, Voices Optimism on Chances for Senate. Impact: Kean’s unyielding optimism inspires a generation of politicians to adopt overly sunny dispositions, resulting in absurd campaign slogans like 'Vote for me, I promise rainbows and unicorns!'. Fact: Optimism in politics is like putting a cherry on a sundae that's mostly just melted ice cream—looks pretty, but doesn't do much for the substance..
• Headline: Soviet Note on Atom Parley at Ministerial Level. Impact: The exchange of notes leads to a secret meeting where both sides agree to only use their nuclear arsenals for a game of nuclear chess. The world breathes a sigh of relief until someone accidentally knocks over the board.. Fact: Diplomatic notes are basically the adult version of passing notes in class—only much more serious and with potential world-ending consequences..
• Headline: L. I. U. HALL IS STARTED; Ground Broken for Dormitory on New Brooklyn Campus. Impact: The groundbreaking ceremony inspires a new trend in college architecture, leading to dorms that are more like luxury hotels, complete with rooftop pools and personal chefs. Because why not?. Fact: Colleges today seem to build more luxury than libraries. Soon, students will be studying in their hot tubs instead of lecture halls, and who can blame them?.
• Headline: BOLIVIA DEVALUES; Cuts Boliviano to 11,000 to $1 As Recovery Measure. Impact: The devaluation leads to a quirky economic upturn where Bolivians start trading in exotic fruits instead of currency, creating a black market for bananas and avocados.. Fact: Devaluing currency is like getting a haircut: sometimes it feels necessary, but you always wonder if you just made a mistake when the bill comes..