JANUARY 1, 2009

Full News Archive

• Headline: CT Bank's Involvement in Madoff's Fraud. Impact: If only that Connecticut bank had stuck to lending money for mortgages, we might have avoided a financial crisis that led to more people becoming conspiracy theorists about financial institutions. Now we have a world where people think banks are just a front for secret societies.. Fact: The Madoff scandal was so massive that it inspired a whole genre of crime documentaries. Who knew betrayal could be so entertaining?.
• Headline: Clemency Access Through the Oval Office. Impact: This cozy relationship with clemency has set a precedent that could lead to future presidents playing 'Who Wants to Be a Pardoned Millionaire?' with the judicial system. Fun times ahead!. Fact: Clemency has often been granted to those who have the right connections. Who knew that 'It's not what you know, but who you know' applied to the Oval Office too?.
• Headline: Civilians Caught in Gaza Conflict. Impact: The suffering of civilians in Gaza sparked countless debates on humanitarian intervention, leading to armchair analysts across the globe arguing on social media rather than actually helping anyone. Bravo, internet!. Fact: Gaza, being one of the most densely populated places, means that even if you want to avoid your neighbors, good luck with that!.
• Headline: Citigroup’s Top Executives to Forgo ’08 Bonuses. Impact: By forgoing bonuses, the executives at Citigroup may have temporarily quelled public outrage, but they also opened the floodgates for future executives to ask, 'So, what do I get for not being a total jerk?'. Fact: It's amazing how giving up a bonus can be seen as a noble act while still raking in millions in salary. What a sacrifice!.
• Headline: Region’s Poets Convey a Sense of Place. Impact: This poetic renaissance outside New York City could lead to an influx of hipster lit festivals, where the only requirement is to wear a beret and sip overpriced coffee while pondering life. Thanks, poets!. Fact: Poets have a way of turning everyday observations into profound musings. Who knew that watching grass grow could also be a metaphor for existential dread?.