JANUARY 1, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mass Measles Immunization Campaign Success. Impact: The mass immunization against German measles in 1970 led to a sharp decrease in measles cases, which in turn made parents ignore vaccinations altogether in the 2010s, leading to a resurgence of preventable diseases. Thanks, 1970 kids, for your rebellious spirit!. Fact: Measles is so contagious that if one person has it, about 90% of people close to that person who are not immune will also become infected. So, thanks for doing your part to keep the virus thriving!.
• Headline: Rockefeller and Aides Sworn In Ceremony. Impact: Rockefeller's oath of office was the start of a long tradition of politicians swearing loyalty to their own careers over the public's interest. Little did they know, it would lead to an endless cycle of political theater!. Fact: Oaths of office are just a fancy way of saying, 'I promise to try my best, but I can't guarantee anything.'.
• Headline: Impactful Achievements of the 91st Congress. Impact: The 91st Congress's pollution bills were like putting a Band-Aid on a gushing wound. Fast forward to today, and we’re still fighting over climate change while Congress is busy with... well, anything but that.. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, pollution bills are like putting glitter on a trash pile—looks pretty, but the trash is still there..
• Headline: Goodell Is Praised By His Colleagues As Term Runs Out. Impact: Goodell's praises were a clear indication that sometimes losing is just a stepping stone to being celebrated for absolutely nothing. This set the precedent for future politicians to retire with a parade instead of accountability.. Fact: In politics, being defeated often leads to more accolades than actually winning. It's like participating in a race where everyone gets a trophy for simply showing up!.
• Headline: Tax Changes to Affect Take‐Home Pay. Impact: The tax changes were a classic case of the government saying, 'We need more of your money, and by the way, you won’t even notice it, right?' This paved the way for future tax increases that would leave people asking, 'Where did my paycheck go?'. Fact: Most people won't notice a 0.4% increase in taxes until they realize they can’t buy that extra coffee. Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Issues in City's Pay Talks. Impact: Mayor Lindsay’s pay talks set the stage for future negotiations where everyone would agree to disagree, leading to a never-ending saga of contract talks that would make even the most patient person lose their mind.. Fact: Negotiations between city officials often resemble a game of chess where no one is really sure who's winning, or if anyone ever will..
• Headline: Article 8 ‐‐ No Title. Impact: The expulsion of I Fahlander may have seemed like a small blip, but it contributed to the broader narrative of governments silencing dissent, setting the stage for a future where whistleblowers are more likely to be booted than celebrated.. Fact: Governments often react to critics like cats react to cucumbers—jumping and running away, hoping no one sees their panic!.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The review of Military Men highlighted how the pub devaluation of Army service created a generation of disillusioned officers. This, of course, led to today's military recruiting ads featuring more ‘life coaching’ than actual military service.. Fact: The military’s motto might as well be, 'Join us for the adventure, stay for the existential crises.'.
• Headline: CONGRESS DELAYS ENDING OF SESSION UNTIL TOMORROW Supersonic Transport, Last Remaining Issue, Appears on Way to Agreement A DAY OF COMPROMISES Food Stamp Extension and Federal Pay Rise Passed —Foreign Aid Signed. Impact: Congress delaying the end of the session has become an art form, showcasing the ability to procrastinate on important issues while pretending to take action. This trend has carried on to the present day, where 'we'll get to it tomorrow' reigns supreme.. Fact: The only thing Congress is better at than delaying decisions is crafting elaborate excuses for why they can’t make a decision today!.