JANUARY 1, 1956

Full News Archive

• Headline: Chiang Kai-shek Predicts Mainland Revolt. Impact: Chiang's prediction of a mainland revolt somehow led to a game of geopolitical chess where both sides kept moving pieces around until they forgot where they placed the king. Spoiler alert: the king was never captured, just misplaced.. Fact: Did you know foresight in politics is akin to fortune-telling? Except instead of crystal balls, they use tea leaves... or just wild guesses..
• Headline: PRESIDENT'S HAVEN; Key West Renames a Street as a Token Of Its Thanks for Eisenhower Visit Grant Was Here Continuing the Boom Almost Tropical. Impact: Eisenhower's visit sparked a trend of renaming streets after visitors, eventually leading to the current situation where every street corner has a name that sounds like a corporate sponsor.. Fact: Did you know that 'Key West' is actually just a euphemism for 'We ran out of names and this one sounded tropical'?.
• Headline: BREAKING IN A NEW ACT; Fontanne & Lunt as a Mind-Reading Team in 'The Great Sebastians' The Writers FONTANNE & LUNT BREAK IN NEW ACT Any Questions?. Impact: Fontanne and Lunt's mind-reading act led to the rise of psychic entertainers everywhere, ultimately leading to a world where everyone thinks they can read minds, but really just overheard your last conversation at the coffee shop.. Fact: Did you know that mind-reading acts are just a clever way to avoid admitting they forgot their lines? It’s all in the act, folks!.
• Headline: JUDGES ARE NAMED IN REALTY CONTEST. Impact: The realty contest inspired countless other ridiculous contests, eventually culminating in a world where people compete for the best reality shows that no one actually wants to watch.. Fact: Did you know that real estate is just a fancy way of saying 'who can outwit whom in the game of Monopoly'?.
• Headline: NEWS OF THE WORLD OF STAMPS; U.S. Sales to Collectors In 1955--Soviet Polar Issues NORTH POLE OVERPRINT SCOTT CATALOG A SAINT IS HONORED MONACO FIPEX ISSUE. Impact: The rise of stamp collecting led to an underground economy where people trade rare stamps as if they were precious gems, all while arguing over who has the better collection—because nothing says 'cool' like a postage stamp.. Fact: Did you know that stamp collectors are basically the hipsters of the postal world? They loved it before it was cool... and before anyone else cared..
• Headline: CRITICAL ACCLAIM; New York Reviewers Pick Winner's of 1955 Again and Again Best Direction. Impact: The New York Film Critics' awards set off a chain reaction of film critiques that eventually led to the creation of online trolls who think they can do better than Oscar winners by typing furiously from their parents' basements.. Fact: Did you know that the most common film critique is just 'I could have done that!' followed by a 15-minute rant about why they’re still stuck in a cubicle?.
• Headline: Service for Patrick Pryor. Impact: Patrick Pryor's memorial service reminded everyone of the fragility of life, leading to a mass increase in people deciding to finally take that vacation... to the couch, with snacks.. Fact: Did you know that memorial services are just really solemn gatherings where everyone pretends to be okay with discussing mortality while secretly wondering what’s for lunch?.
• Headline: Health Display to Remain Open. Impact: The health exhibition's extended run encouraged a sudden surge in New Yorkers deciding that maybe they should start exercising, leading to a whole new genre of 'fitness influencers' who can barely lift their own grocery bags.. Fact: Did you know that health exhibitions are basically just fancy names for 'let’s all ignore the dessert table for a day' events?.