NOVEMBER 2, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Honor Roll Achievements at NYU. Impact: Ely Maurer’s 95% average led to a secret society of overachieving students who would eventually infiltrate every major corporation, ensuring that coffee breaks were always scheduled after their daily meditation sessions.. Fact: Did you know that maintaining a 95% average is basically the adult version of being told you're 'too good for your own good'?.
• Headline: Tea and Strategy: The Marne Decision. Impact: Joffre’s tea-time strategy discussions inadvertently led to a spike in British tea consumption, causing the emergence of a secret tea society that still meets today to ponder life’s biggest questions like, 'Earl Grey or Darjeeling?'. Fact: Turns out, the real reason for World War I was just a misunderstanding over a misplaced tea bag..
• Headline: 400,000 Eagles Minted Last Month.. Impact: The minting of 400,000 eagles led to a worldwide shortage of eagle-themed merchandise, resulting in a bizarre black market where plush eagles were traded for vintage baseball cards.. Fact: Imagine if every eagle minted had the ability to fly away; we would have been left with just a bunch of disappointed coin collectors..
• Headline: SHIP BOARD ORDERS 124 CRAFf SCRAPPED; Bid Is Accepted to Dismantle Surplus, Vessels in Gulf and Atlantic Ports. WORK WILL SUPPLY 600 Beard Approves or Modifies Agreements of Lines on Through Billing to the Orient.. Impact: The scrapping of 124 CRAFf ships created a ripple effect where more people took up sailing as a hobby, leading to an unexpected increase in pirate-themed parties across the nation.. Fact: Who knew dismantling ships could lead to a resurgence of 'Talk Like a Pirate Day'? Arrr, matey!.
• Headline: R.F.C. Relief Loan Is Unused As Jobs Increase in St. Louis. Impact: The unused relief loan turned St. Louis into a secret utopia of unemployed artists and philosophers who debated the merits of art over labor, ultimately influencing the rise of hipster culture decades later.. Fact: St. Louis is now famous for its art scene, which is probably what they meant by 'not using the funds.'.
• Headline: HOOVER ADDS SPEECH IN ST. PAUL TO SWING; Approves Plans for Address in Springfield, Ill., Friday Afternoon, St. Louis That Night. COAST TRIP IN ABEYANCE He Debates Proceeding From St. Paul to Palo Alto to Vote There on Election Day. HOOVER TO EXTEND TOUR TO ST. PAUL. Impact: Hoover's indecision about his tour plans led to a time loop where every politician since has been paralyzed by the fear of making a commitment, resulting in endless campaign promises and zero follow-through.. Fact: Hoover's speeches were so riveting that they caused a temporary spike in the population of escape artists—mostly to get out of attending..
• Headline: BUILDING UPTURN PREDICTED IN 1933; R.J. Hamilton Says Future Holds Greatest Prosperity Industry Ever Has Seen. HAILS HOME LOAN BANKS Tells Producers Council System Will Provide Credit and Funds for $5,000,000,000 Projects.. Impact: Hamilton's prediction of a building upturn in 1933 accidentally caused the construction industry to invent the concept of 'planned obsolescence,' which is why we still have to remodel our kitchens every decade.. Fact: If only Hamilton knew that his prediction would lead to countless reality TV shows about flipping houses..
• Headline: Prof. Huxley Denies That Ants Ever Will Dominate the World. Impact: Huxley’s denial about ants dominating the world prompted a secret campaign among ants to prove him wrong, leading to a worldwide ant uprising that remains a closely-guarded secret.. Fact: If ants ever did dominate the world, I'd bet they'd still be more organized than our current governments..