JULY 8, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hathaway Murder Conviction Confirmed. Impact: E R Hathaway's conviction becomes a pivotal moment in the history of forensic science. Years later, a detective reads about it and decides to invent the lie detector. Spoiler: It doesn't work on politicians.. Fact: Hathaway's case inspired a whole genre of true crime podcasts. Just think, if she had gotten away with it, we might still be stuck with boring radio dramas..
• Headline: Prohibition Party Nominates Upshaw and Regan. Impact: Upshaw's nomination leads to a series of increasingly bizarre political parties, culminating in the formation of the 'Tinfoil Hat Party' in 2025. They are currently fighting for the right to wear hats made of recycled aluminum.. Fact: The Prohibition Party is still active today, but they have shifted their focus to banning gluten. Because nothing says 'freedom' like telling people what they can't eat!.
• Headline: Improving Army Enlistment Appeal. Impact: Ed's suggestions for a more attractive army result in the introduction of camo-patterned yoga pants. The army becomes the most Instagrammed branch, confusing recruits and enemies alike.. Fact: The army's new motto? 'Join us for the fitness, stay for the filters.'.
• Headline: CUBS BLANK PHILS, 7-0.; Gain Full Game on Pirates as Malone Hurls Triumph.. Impact: The Cubs' victory sends shockwaves through the sports world, leading to the invention of the 'Cubs Curse' that lasts for over a century. Fans still blame a goat for their troubles.. Fact: In a twist of fate, the Cubs' opponent, the Phillies, later become experts in self-sabotage, proving that losing is truly an art form..
• Headline: ARMY FOUR RIDES TO 18-10 TRIUMPH; Repulses Greentree, 1931 Vic- tor, in Meadow Brook Club Cups Tournament. McFARLAND SETS THE PACE Makes Six Scoring Wallops for the Officers -- Hurricanes Take Practice Match.. Impact: The Army Four's triumph leads to a secret competition among military officers to create the most ludicrous sports team. They eventually form a cricket team that only plays at night, just to confuse everyone.. Fact: The 'Hurricanes' practice match went so poorly that they decided to rename themselves the 'Breezy Days' for a more positive outlook..
• Headline: WILLIAM M. PURDY.. Impact: William M. Purdy's funeral sparks a nationwide debate on the importance of obituaries, leading to a trend of living obituaries where people write their own eulogies while alive. 'I was the best!,' they all say.. Fact: Purdy, a humble man, would have probably preferred his funeral to be a lively debate on who made the best potato salad..
• Headline: Commutation Fares.. Impact: The discussion on commutation fares leads to the rise of a new transportational philosophy: 'Why pay more when you can complain?' This movement ultimately fails due to lack of funding.. Fact: Commuters everywhere still dream of a day when trains arrive on time, but until then, they simply blame the weather... and the government..
• Headline: Reports Coast Invitation Accepted.. Impact: The acceptance of the Olympic Games invitation starts a trend of countries overexerting themselves to win medals. In 2024, a country wins a gold medal for competitive napping.. Fact: The Olympics, originally a gathering of athletes, is now a gathering of overcaffeinated corporate sponsors trying to outdo each other with ridiculous ad campaigns..
• Headline: The Dies Bill.. Impact: The Dies Bill leads to a series of alien conspiracy theories that spiral out of control, resulting in a reality TV show called 'Aliens Among Us.' Ratings skyrocket, proving once again that truth is stranger than fiction.. Fact: The irony? Most of the aliens in the show are just very enthusiastic actors wearing bad costumes..