MARCH 13, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Postponement of Petroleum Rate Revisions. Impact: If they'd just let those petroleum rates rise, we might have avoided the great 'Oil Crisis of 1973'. Who knew a mere postponement would lead to the invention of more fuel-efficient cars and the rise of hipsters who swear by their bicycles?. Fact: Petroleum rates are the real-life version of a rollercoaster—just when you think they can't go any higher, they take you on a thrilling ride..
• Headline: Advice for Emerging Print Collectors. Impact: This article likely inspired countless undergraduates to start collecting useless items instead of, you know, studying. The eventual rise of eBay? All thanks to the 'WORD TO PRINT COLLECTORS'!. Fact: The most valuable collectible is often just a piece of junk that someone convinced you is worth more than your college degree..
• Headline: YALE FIVE DEFEATS HARVARD, 29 TO 25; Conquers Rivals at New Haven After Trailing at Half-Time, 13 to 11. YALE FIVE DEFEATS HARVARD, 29 TO 25. Impact: This game led to an eternal rivalry between Yale and Harvard, resulting in thousands of students suffering from excessive school spirit and overpriced merchandise.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than the pride of Ivy League students is their student debt?.
• Headline: FIGHTS RARITAN BRIDGE BAN; Jersey State Senator Denies Plan Is "Economically Unsound.". Impact: Thanks to this senator's stubbornness, the Raritan Bay bridge became a symbol of never-ending bureaucratic debates—because who doesn't love a good bridge fight?. Fact: Bridges are like relationships; they require maintenance and can collapse if not taken care of. But they also look great on postcards!.
• Headline: IN-LAWS.". Impact: This statistic likely led to a rapid increase in family therapy sessions, as everyone realized their in-laws might be the actual reason for their existential crises.. Fact: Statistics show that in-law relationships can either strengthen or completely ruin family gatherings. It’s a real coin toss!.
• Headline: MILLIONS OF TREES TO BE PLANTED AS PART OF WASHINGTON CELEBRATION. Impact: The tree planting initiative inadvertently caused an influx of tree-hugging environmentalists, which led to the rise of artisanal organic products and overpriced vegan cafes.. Fact: Trees are nature's way of making sure we have enough oxygen for all those dramatic sighs about climate change..
• Headline: REPORTS NEUTRONS IN 2 MORE ELEMENTS; Dr. H.C. Webster of University of Bristol Tells of Work on Boron and Fluorine. CONFIRMS CHADWICK VIEW British Scientist Says Theory Ap- pears to Solve Difficulty of Conservation Laws.. Impact: This discovery of neutrons led to the eventual meltdown of nuclear power debates, where everyone suddenly became an armchair physicist with a strong opinion.. Fact: Neutrons are the introverts of the atomic world—they don’t interact with anything unless absolutely necessary, just like your uncle at family reunions..
• Headline: Find Deportations Costly.. Impact: These costly deportations may have led to the rise of local businesses creating 'We Love Immigrants' bumper stickers, which started a whole new trend in the world of marketing.. Fact: The cost of deportation is often just the price of good PR for businesses who want to appear socially conscious. You can’t put a price on good vibes, right?.
• Headline: RAILROAD EARNINGS.. Impact: The reporting of railroad earnings likely sparked endless debates about the efficiency of train travel versus cars, resulting in the rise of public transport enthusiasts who spend their weekends riding trains.. Fact: Railroads were once the fastest way to travel, until someone invented the airplane and ruined everyone's train-related dreams..