FEBRUARY 3, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Japanese Advance to Capture Harbin. Impact: General Tamon leading his troops to Harbin inadvertently inspires a future generation of leaders to think they can conquer anything, including the local brunch scene.. Fact: Did you know that leading troops through extreme weather conditions is a great way to bond? Nothing says camaraderie like freezing your butt off together..
• Headline: Unity Amidst Turmoil in China 1932. Impact: The temporary unity of factions in China leads to a long-term tendency for everyone to say 'let's just get along' while secretly plotting each other's downfall. Classic.. Fact: Unity in the face of adversity often results in more meetings. So, yay for everyone involved!.
• Headline: Shanghai Bank Crisis Boosts Silver Prices. Impact: The suspension of Shanghai banks causes silver rates to soar, which in turn inspires an entire generation of financial advisors to only invest in shiny objects.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more volatile than silver rates is the mood of someone who just lost their last quarter in a vending machine..
• Headline: Westchester Warden Resigns.. Impact: Warden Fellman’s resignation leads to an unprecedented rise in warden job applications from people seeking to escape their own lives.. Fact: Warden is just another word for 'the person who has to deal with all the nonsense.' So, who wouldn't want to resign?.
• Headline: TerryuBaker. j. Impact: Terryu Baker’s marriage to E H Jaffray sets a precedent for future love stories that will be recounted with less drama than most reality TV shows.. Fact: Marriage: the only legal contract where you promise to tolerate each other's quirks for eternity. Good luck, Terryu and E H!.
• Headline: FOR A RAILROAD PARTY.; Employes and Stockholders Might Form a Political Bloc.. Impact: The call for a political bloc by railroad employees inspires future generations to form unions, which eventually leads to the greatest work-from-home campaigns in history.. Fact: Who knew that the path to political power started with a bunch of people complaining about the lack of snacks in the break room?.
• Headline: SAYS SHAKESPEARE NEVER STIRRED FORD; Gabriel Wells Tells How Auto Man's Disdain Kept Wife From Acquiring a First Folio. RECALLS A MORGAN DEAL Sale of "Captains Courageous" Script Made by "Good Psychology" -- An H.C. Folger Anecdote.. Impact: Gabriel Wells' claim about Shakespeare and Ford leads to a long-standing debate over whether literary geniuses or car manufacturers are better at ruining marriages.. Fact: Spoiler alert: Shakespeare was actually a huge fan of the automobile; he just hadn't invented it yet. Imagine 'Hamlet' in a Ford Model T..
• Headline: Major Felton's Drawings Shown.. Impact: Major Felton’s drawings being shown sparks a future art movement where every doodle is deemed 'expressionist' and overpriced.. Fact: Art is subjective, which means even a stick figure can be considered 'profound' if you squint hard enough and say the right buzzwords..
• Headline: KUHLMANN EXPECTS FAILURE AT GENEVA; German Ex-Minister Holds War in China and French Stand on Arms Inauspicious. SAYS HIS NATION MAY ARM Foresees Independent Chinese Regime In Manchuria That Will Be Subservient to Japan.. Impact: Kuhlmann’s expectation of failure at Geneva leads to a long-standing tradition of diplomats taking bets on peace treaties—spoiler alert: they rarely win.. Fact: You know things are bad when even the diplomats start looking for a backup plan, like starting a podcast about their failures instead..