NOVEMBER 20, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gov. Ely's Call for Workers' Aid. Impact: If only Governor Ely had focused on creating a time machine instead of a commission, maybe he could have gone back to prevent the Great Depression. Who needs workers' rights when you can just time travel?. Fact: The term 'workers' rights' was once a radical idea - now it's just a fancy way to make sure the coffee in the break room is organic..
• Headline: S.S. Bermuda Destroyed by Fire in Belfast. Impact: The Bermuda's fiery demise led to a series of unfortunate events, including a mysterious Bermuda Triangle story that distracted everyone from actual ship safety regulations.. Fact: Ironically, the Bermuda was never found to be lost; it just took a permanent vacation to the depths of the ocean..
• Headline: Grand Visit Amidst Threats and Protests. Impact: The heavy police presence during Grandi's visit set a precedent for future events, leading to a world where every celebrity arrival feels like a hostage situation.. Fact: 2,000 police for one minister? That’s either extreme caution or a really, really bad Yelp review of the last minister..
• Headline: ON WAY TO RULE PALESTINE.; Sir Arthur Wauchope, New High Commissioner, Silent on Policy.. Impact: Wauchope's silent approach to rule Palestine meant that countless historians would later have to speculate wildly about his actual thoughts, leading to elaborate conspiracy theories about a secret plan for world peace.. Fact: You’d think a high commissioner would have a few words to share. Maybe he was just saving them all for his memoirs..
• Headline: FUND TO AID JOBLESS REACHES $12,108,000; $2,000,000 Is Received From City-Wide Canvass Directed by Ex-Governor Smith. WOMEN AGAIN PASS QUOTA But Mrs. Belmont's Division Will Seek More--Debutantes Sell Movie Benefit Tickets. Women Raise $3,065,890 Total. Canvass 2,200 Apartment Houses. WOMEN EXCEED THEIR QUOTA. $695,416 In New Gifts Bring Total of Division to $3,065,890.. Impact: The fund's success paved the way for future fundraising campaigns, evolving into the modern bake sale - because who wouldn’t want to help the jobless while also eating cookies?. Fact: At this rate, fundraising will soon involve more cookies than actual charity – welcome to the sweet side of altruism!.
• Headline: TO SURVEY CUBAN SCHOOLS; Two American Experts Retained to Recommend Reforms.. Impact: The survey of Cuban schools was a stepping stone to the eventual rise of educational reforms, paving the way for students to complain about standardized testing instead of actual learning.. Fact: Two experts were hired for this job, but rumor has it they mostly just wanted a free trip to Cuba..
• Headline: Lash to Coach Wesleyan Five.. Impact: D. Lash's appointment as coach led to a series of victories that were eventually overshadowed by a cult following that swore they could coach better from their couches.. Fact: Many believe that coaching from a couch is the secret ingredient to success in modern sports—who needs practice when you have snacks?.
• Headline: PHILADELPHIA BOMBING LAID TO ANTI-FASCISTI; Blast Does Mach Damage Near Home of Italian Consul General There.. Impact: The Philadelphia bombing incident only fueled the fire of anti-fascist sentiment, leading to more protests and a new trend of bomb-themed parties (minus the actual bombs, of course).. Fact: Who knew a bombing could be the catalyst for a new anti-fascist fashion statement? Talk about explosive trends!.
• Headline: SHOOT CUBAN BANDIT.; But Soldiers and Police Are Held at Bay Two Hours by Outlaw.. Impact: F. Sanchez's encounter with soldiers and police turned into a legendary tale of bravado, inspiring countless action movies where the hero holds the authorities at bay for two hours and still manages to look good doing it.. Fact: It turns out, holding police at bay is much easier when you’re not in a movie and have actual resources—who knew?.
• Headline: HYDE FOR LIMITING ARID LAND FARMING; He Tells Soil Utilization Conference Unsound Expansion HasGone On 150 Years.. Impact: Hyde's warnings about land farming practices led to the modern debate on sustainability, where people now argue over kale vs. quinoa instead of just trying to keep the land from turning into a desert.. Fact: The irony is, if people spent as much time farming as they do fighting over what to eat, we might actually have enough food for everyone!.