SEPTEMBER 1, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Elderly Woman Avoids Life Sentence. Impact: Had Mrs. La Touche not escaped a life sentence, the world might have missed out on a future where petty theft was seen as a retirement hobby. Imagine your grandma stealing candy bars instead of knitting blankets!. Fact: Did you know that in the 19th century, it was considered a fashion faux pas to not have a criminal record? Just a fun little tidbit!.
• Headline: Caldwell Jurors' Bias Allegations Revealed. Impact: The jurors' biases in Caldwell's case led to a ripple effect where every juror in history suddenly felt the need to wear their biases like badges of honor. Thanks, Caldwell!. Fact: Did you know that 'bias' used to refer to a fancy type of fabric? Now it just refers to how people can't seem to be fair when judging others..
• Headline: Darrah's Promotion Sparks Controversy. Impact: Darrah's promotion to Brigadier General proves that sometimes all it takes to rise through the ranks is a good PR team and a sprinkle of stubbornness. The military might as well have a 'no take-backsies' policy!. Fact: Did you know that the word 'general' originally meant 'common' or 'ordinary'? Apparently, the military has twisted it into a rank that sounds impressive..
• Headline: CRIMINALS ON RUN, POLICE HEADS SAY; Point to Only Fifty-seven in Day's Line-Up as Proof of Exodus From City. JAIL POPULATION UP 20% Volley From Gangster's Auto Endangers, Crowd in East NewYork District. Volley Engangers Crowd. Federal Inquiry Started.. Impact: The surge in crime and police warnings created a new trend in urban living: the 'criminal exodus', where criminals decided that running from the law was the new 'staycation'. Who knew crime would have a vacation season?. Fact: Did you know that the only time criminals are actually on the run is when they hear the ice cream truck? Priorities, people!.
• Headline: SAYS OURS IS READING AGE.; Dean Inge Tells British Librarians Ancients Read Little.. Impact: Dean Inge's comments on reading habits led to a dramatic uptick in book sales, which in turn caused a paper shortage – all because he wanted to sound smart at a librarian convention. Way to go, Dean!. Fact: Did you know that the ancient Greeks were actually illiterate? Their best-kept secret was that they just pretended to read while nodding wisely..
• Headline: PHYSICIAN FOUND DEAD, HANDS TIED BEHIND HIM; Dr. W. F. Hurst, After Drinking Party, Left by Companions in Office With Radio Playing.. Impact: Dr. Hurst's untimely demise serves as a cautionary tale for future parties: never leave a doctor alone with the radio on. They might just invent a new genre of music called 'Death Jazz'.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'hands tied' is often used to describe someone unable to act? In this case, it was quite literally accurate..
• Headline: DANISH POST TO COLEMAN.; Minister Will Be Succeeded at Riga by R.P. Skinner.. Impact: R.P. Skinner's appointment is proof that sometimes, all that’s needed for a diplomatic position is a keen sense of direction and a good sense of humor. After all, who else could successfully navigate the diplomatic waters of Denmark?. Fact: Did you know that Denmark is known for its 'hygge' culture? So, good luck trying to negotiate treaties when everyone's too cozy to care!.
• Headline: Ewald Case Postponed to Nov. 2.. Impact: The postponement of the Ewald case set off a chain reaction in the legal world, where procrastination became the new normal. Lawyers everywhere rejoiced at the chance to extend their coffee breaks!. Fact: Did you know that 'postponement' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's pretend this was never scheduled in the first place'?.