APRIL 12, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Court Hearing on Prince & Whitely Concludes. Impact: If the court had just accepted the offer right away, Antonsen might have gone on to start a successful Ponzi scheme, leading to a new era of financial wizardry. Instead, he just continued to borrow and deposit, forever stuck in the cycle of mediocre accounting practices.. Fact: Did you know that bankruptcy hearings often result in less drama than reality TV shows? Shocking, I know..
• Headline: Smith Clinches State Shoot Title. Impact: Smith’s victory in the shoot title could have sparked a renewed interest in competitive shooting, leading to an alternate history where everyone carries a shotgun instead of smartphones. Talk about an interesting world!. Fact: Miss Lacer probably had a better shot at winning than most of the competitors, but alas, no one remembers the runner-ups. Tragic..
• Headline: WALSH URGES PARTY TO TAKE WET STAND; Massachusetts Senator Asks 2,000 at Jefferson Dinner to Back States' Rights. ASSAILS HOOVER POLICIES Links Deficit to Tariff, Says Job and Farm Relief Fail-- Gore for Tax Cut. Walsh Urges Anti-Dry Stand. State and City Leaders Attend. WALSH URGES PARTY TO TAKE WET STAND Recalls Denial of Deficit. Assails Wickersham "Fiasco." Sees California as Democratic.. Impact: Walsh’s insistence on a wet stand could have led to an alternate timeline where alcohol was never banned, resulting in a society of happy drunks instead of prohibitionists. Cheers to that!. Fact: Did you know that the term 'wet' in political circles refers to someone who supports alcohol? It’s almost as if they knew we needed more ways to describe our bad decisions!.
• Headline: AWARD IS CONFIRMED FOR SUBWAY DAMAGE; Court Grants St.Nicholas Avenue Owner $9,479 for Landslide During Excavation.. Impact: This court case confirmed that landslides can happen even when you think you’ve got everything under control—much like most of our life decisions. Just think, if the subway had never been constructed, we might still be riding horses!. Fact: Landslides during construction are a bit like that one friend who always shows up uninvited. You know they’re coming, but you can never quite prepare for the mess they leave behind..
• Headline: $7,000,000 LIBRARY DEDICATED AT YALE; Dr. Angell Accepts the 16-Story Gothic Sterling Memorial as a "Temple of the Mind." HAILED AS AMONG GREATEST Structure for 3,000,000 Volumes Will Dominate for Ages,Notable Gathering Is Told.PURPOSE TERMED 'SERVICE' Dr. Putnam, Congress Librarian,Lauds Lack of Restrictions onthe $29,000,000 Sterling Gifts. Sixteen-Story Tower Dominates. Gifts Free of Restrictions Urged. $7,000,000 LIBRARY DEDICATED AT YALE. Impact: The dedication of the library might have inadvertently sparked a literacy revolution, leading to a world where everyone reads books instead of scrolling through social media. Ah, the sweet smell of knowledge!. Fact: Did you know the library was hailed as a 'Temple of the Mind'? Wonder if that means you can get a mind-melting degree just for hanging out there..
• Headline: Norfolk Southern.. Impact: If Norfolk Southern had made headlines for something more exciting than a report, we might have a world where trains become the new jet skis, leading to a new era of extreme train racing. Who needs NASCAR?. Fact: The most thrilling thing about Norfolk Southern’s reports is how quickly they can put you to sleep. Goodnight!.