APRIL 11, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pennsylvania Establishes Drake Well Memorial Park. Impact: This decision led to a sudden spike in park-goers who, mistaking oil rigs for modern art installations, created a new art movement called 'Petroleum Surrealism.' The movement inspired countless hipsters to open cafes named after crude oil derivatives, forever changing the coffee industry.. Fact: In a twist of fate, the Drake Well was so productive that it led to the phrase 'drilling for oil' becoming an official euphemism for a bad day at work..
• Headline: J K Ottley Joins Federal Advisory Council. Impact: J K Ottley's election inadvertently sparked a series of council meetings that spiraled into a decade-long debate about the best sandwich. Historians still argue whether this was a waste of time or the best thing to happen to lunch since sliced bread.. Fact: Ottley probably thought he was signing up for a book club instead of a council. Oops!.
• Headline: PAISH HERE, WARNS OF WORLD CRISIS; British Peer, Noted Economist, Urges Conference of Statesmen to Remedy Depression.LAYS SITUATION TO WARStr Wilfred Grenfell Arrives toLecture-Viscountess Harcourt,Farrel and Bride Also Here. Must Apply Remedy. Says Statesmen Must Act. Sir Wilfred Grenfell Here.. Impact: Sir Paish's warning went unheeded, causing political leaders to ignore their budgets. This led to the invention of the phrase 'I’ll just put it on my credit card,' forever changing how we handle finances and leading to the birth of online shopping.. Fact: Paish was so convincing that he almost got invited to the next G7 meeting, but they realized he didn't have a PowerPoint presentation to back it up..
• Headline: Princeton Invites Argentinian.. Impact: This invitation resulted in an influx of Argentine tango dancers to the U.S., forever changing the dance floor dynamics and leading to the invention of 'the awkward white person shuffle.'. Fact: Princeton’s summer school is actually just an elaborate ruse to get people to take summer vacations while pretending to study. Brilliant!.
• Headline: EXPLAINS INSURANCE DEAL.; McCooey's Son Says Agency Got Big B.M.T. Business by His Friendship. Impact: This revelation sparked a nationwide trend of nepotism in business that led to the phrase 'It's not what you know, but who you know' becoming the official motto of every high school reunion ever after.. Fact: Friendship in insurance? Who knew the secret to financial stability was simply being nice to your buddy on the golf course?.
• Headline: DRAW PLEA TO OUST POWER BOARD HEAD; Walsh and Davis Prepare Auo Warranto Petition in Senate's Fight on Dr. Smith. SUIT TO BEGIN NEXT WEEK Vital Point of President'a Relations With Congress May Take Case to Supreme Court.. Impact: This legal tussle over the power board head not only delayed energy policies but also inspired a new generation of reality TV shows about political infighting, proving once again that drama sells.. Fact: The only thing more confusing than this legal battle is trying to explain it to your relatives at Thanksgiving dinner..
• Headline: A CHANGE IN ALASKA.. Impact: This administrative shift led to a peculiar trend of tourists flocking to Alaska, mistakenly believing they could now get an education in wilderness survival from the Bureau of Indian Affairs. It resulted in a lot of lost tourists and some very confused Native Alaskans.. Fact: Education moving to the Bureau of Indian Affairs? It’s almost like saying ‘We trust you to educate our children... just not in the way you think.’.
• Headline: FIND RAGE AND FEAR ARE FAT CONSUMERS; Yale Scientists' Experiments on Animals Show That Blood Absorbs Fuel Under Emotion. MAGNESIUM VITAL TO LIFE Rats Deprived of It Soon Die, Observers Tell Biological Societies in Montreal. Blood Rapidly Took Fat. Lack of Magnesium Important. FIND RAGE AND FEAR ARE FAT CONSUMERS Only a Few Survive Tests. Breakfast May Be Depressive.. Impact: This discovery led to a worldwide panic about magnesium deficiency, resulting in the 'Magnesium Diet' craze, where people believed they could lose weight by just thinking really hard about magnesium. Spoiler: it didn’t work.. Fact: Yale scientists claim that stress burns calories, but they haven’t figured out how to turn that into a gym membership plan yet..