MARCH 27, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mrs. Oliver Hardy Disappearance Resolved. Impact: Her disappearance could have resulted in an alternate reality where the comedy duo never made it big, leaving a world devoid of slapstick humor and ridiculous mustaches.. Fact: Oliver Hardy once said, 'You can't see the funny side of life if you're always looking for your lost wife!' Just kidding, he never said that..
• Headline: ASKS VERDICT FOR BRANDLE; Defense Counsel Seeks Directed Acquittal in Tax Evasion Case.. Impact: If acquitted, Brandles could have started a tax evasion revolution, leading to a world where tax forms are considered an optional suggestion.. Fact: Lawyers love cases like this; it’s like a free buffet of loopholes..
• Headline: FRANCE NOW LIKELY TO INCREASE TARIFF; Trade in First Two Months of 1931 Was $520,000,000 Below Same Period of 1930. INDUSTRIES URGING AID Germany Held to Be Chief Among Countries Dumping Products-- Chamber Gets Measures.. Impact: Increasing tariffs might have led to a trade war, resulting in France becoming the world's leading supplier of baguettes and berets, but with fewer imported chocolate croissants.. Fact: They say tariffs are like taxes you pay to annoy your neighbors, and France was certainly in the mood for some neighborly annoyance..
• Headline: FIGHTS TO KEEP SON FROM BECOMING GIANT; Los Angeles Doctor Seeks to Continue Treatment of 6-Foot Boy, 235 Pounds of 14.. Impact: If successful, this boy could have become the world's tallest professional basketball player, leading to an era where height would be the sole criterion for leadership roles.. Fact: At 14, he probably just wanted to be a regular kid, not a walking billboard for 'The Tall Club.'.
• Headline: Montagu Norman Said to Plan World Bank To Finance Trade, Especially With Russia. Impact: If this plan had succeeded, Montagu might have inadvertently started a global trend in banking, leading to a future where everyone is a banker and no one knows how to bake bread.. Fact: Imagine if Norman had decided to become a chef instead; we might have had a World Kitchen instead of a World Bank..
• Headline: Alaskan Flier Ferries Sick Girl.. Impact: This act of kindness could have sparked a trend of emergency airlifts, leading to a reality where flying doctors became the norm, and everyone got to skip the line at the clinic.. Fact: This flier probably earned more karma points in one trip than most do in a lifetime. Good luck cashing those in!.
• Headline: ARMS HUNT EXTENDED THROUGHOUT CUBA; 200 Jailed in Havana as Search Goes On--Student Weekly Closed, Editors Arrested.. Impact: This event may have set the stage for a long-term crackdown on dissent, resulting in a future where the phrase 'freedom of the press' becomes a distant memory, just like dial-up internet.. Fact: In the end, the only thing more dangerous than arms in Cuba was the editor's ability to write an article that displeased the government..