APRIL 15, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Briand Proposes Global Arms Negotiation. Impact: This conversation about submarines and arms control led to a series of treaties that eventually made the phrase 'submarine diplomacy' a thing, which ironically sounds like a very boring underwater podcast.. Fact: Did you know that discussing arms control is almost as popular as discussing the weather? Except with more explosions..
• Headline: Elliott Kidnapping Indictments Revealed. Impact: This kidnapping case sparked a new trend in crime dramas, leading to an entire genre of poorly written novels where everyone talks in hushed tones about 'the kidnapper' while drinking overpriced coffee.. Fact: Kidnapping is just a fancy word for 'I really want to borrow your car without asking.'.
• Headline: Shouse Critiques Hoover's Policies. Impact: This speech triggered a massive debate about government policies that continues to this day, proving once and for all that arguing over politics is the national pastime—sorry, baseball.. Fact: Politics: the art of looking busy while achieving absolutely nothing since the dawn of civilization..
• Headline: GENEVA SCHOOL ASKS FUND.; John D. Rockefeller Jr. Gives $5,000 for International Studies.. Impact: Rockefeller's generous donation led to an influx of international students, who would later go on to create the world's most confusing collection of acronyms.. Fact: Giving money to education: the one thing that can sometimes make you feel good about your tax returns..
• Headline: Orders Drive on Traffic Violations.. Impact: This crackdown on traffic violations caused an unexpected boom in the turtleneck sweater industry, as everyone tried to disguise themselves as a different person to avoid tickets.. Fact: Traffic violations are just society's way of reminding you that rules exist and you probably shouldn't be on your phone while driving..
• Headline: FRIENDS OF PARKER HELP DELAY REPORT FROM COMMITTEE; Judiciary Senators Decide on Week's Study of Supreme Court Nominee's Record. CLOSE VOTE IS INDICATED Fear of Rejection Because of Absence of Favoring Members Prompts Postponement. HOOVER DEFENSE TAKEN UP 1,000 Messages of Protest and 75 Urging Confirmation Also Laid Before Full Committee. Consider Defense by Hoover. REPORT ON PARKER DELAYED FOR WEEK. Impact: This delay led to a series of endless debates that made filibustering look like a quick chat at a coffee shop, ensuring that politicians would continue to waste time while the rest of the world moved on.. Fact: If you think waiting for a committee decision is frustrating, just remember: some people actually enjoy watching paint dry..
• Headline: PUNISH AIR RULE BREAKERS.; Bureau Officials Say Acrobatics Lead Violations.. Impact: The crackdown on air rule violations led to the introduction of 'sky etiquette,' which is ironically more complicated than the rules of a formal dinner party.. Fact: Flying is 90% 'don't crash' and 10% 'please don't spill your coffee on the guy next to you.'.
• Headline: FRENCH COUNT BADLY HURT; Son-In-Law of Pretender Receives Broken Back in Auto Accident.. Impact: This unfortunate accident led to a surge in royal family insurance policies, making actuaries the real unsung heroes of European nobility.. Fact: Injuries among the upper class are a reminder that even the most refined among us can have a really bad day—especially when they forget to wear their seatbelt..
• Headline: BRITISH HEIR RECEIVES 30 SUDANESE CHIEFS; Richly Embroidered Robes and Jeweled Swords Worn at Unusual Khartoum Function.. Impact: This gathering of chieftains and a British heir led to an international fashion trend that left many wondering if they could pull off robes and swords at their next family barbecue.. Fact: When you invite 30 chiefs to a party, the only thing more impressive than the guest list is trying to find enough seating..