MARCH 27, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Modern Weaponry in China's Conflict. Impact: When Chiang introduced modern arms into the Chinese strife, he inadvertently set off a chain of events that would lead to a global arms race, which is why your neighbor has a collection of lawn flamingos dressed as soldiers.. Fact: If you think trench warfare was bad, just wait until you see the next family BBQ where everyone shows off their latest 'modern' grilling techniques..
• Headline: Dinner Honoring Legion Leader Bodenhamer. Impact: Bodenhamer's honor dinner became the prototype for all future 'let's pretend we're not awkwardly competing for attention' dinners, which explains why your cousin insists on making every birthday about them.. Fact: Because nothing says 'honor' quite like a buffet line and awkward small talk about the weather..
• Headline: Court Action on Roy Sloane's Case. Impact: The denial of Roy Sloane's writ set a precedent for countless future legal dramas where everyone involved clearly needed a better lawyer, sparking a reality TV trend that nobody asked for.. Fact: If you think legal dramas are intense now, just remember: they used to be based on things like denied writs. Riveting!.
• Headline: TO CONFER ON MINISTRY.; Leaders to Meet at New Brunswick Seminary to Aid Profession.. Impact: The meeting at New Brunswick Seminary aimed at sparking interest in the ministry, but really just sparked a series of 'who can wear the most uncomfortable shoes' contests for years to come.. Fact: They say the clergy is a calling, but it seems more like a fashion show sometimes..
• Headline: Storm Wipes Out Coast Town In Brazil; 10 Dead, 100 Injured. Impact: The storm that wiped out a town in Brazil led to a notorious urban legend about a curse that made every resident a weather forecaster, which explains why no one ever trusts a local forecast again.. Fact: 10 dead and 100 injured? That storm probably didn't even check the weather app before striking. Rude..
• Headline: CAIRO NATIONALISTS ASK LONDON TREATY; Premier Nahas Pasha and Three Cabinet Ministers Look for Full Independence. TO SEE HENDERSON TODAY Questions to Be Discussed Concern Suez Canal, Egypt's Defense, Sudan and Foreigners.. Impact: Nahas Pasha's quest for full independence from London inadvertently gave rise to a surge in tea-drinking habits among nationalists, who just wanted an excuse to avoid British crumpets.. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, complaining about the Suez Canal is just a fancy way of asking for better coffee options..
• Headline: Navy Orders 78 New Engines.. Impact: The navy ordering 78 new engines became the catalyst for future generations of 'more power!' memes and the reason your uncle thinks he can fix anything with duct tape and a V8.. Fact: Imagine being so powerful that your engines are basically the Navy's version of a sports car. Talk about overcompensation!.