MARCH 11, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Schooner Adrift for 63 Days. Impact: The crew's stubbornness to stand by their sinking ship inspired future generations of sailors to embrace the noble art of procrastination, leading to a global trend of 'waiting until the last minute' that persists to this day.. Fact: Fun Fact: The phrase 'going down with the ship' was probably coined by this crew, although they clearly had no idea it would become a popular metaphor for corporate failures..
• Headline: Historic Neon Litigation Ends Favorably. Impact: This legal wrangling over a million-dollar attachment led to a massive increase in the popularity of neon signs, as lawyers everywhere sought to distract from their dubious practices with flashy advertisements.. Fact: Did you know that neon signs were initially thought to be a great way to attract clients? Turns out, they’re just as effective at attracting lawsuits!.
• Headline: Legal Disbarment Order Adjusted. Impact: The modification of this disbarment order set a precedent for lawyers everywhere to realize that getting in trouble is just a temporary inconvenience, paving the way for future legal shenanigans.. Fact: Ever wonder why lawyers have such a bad reputation? It might have something to do with the fact that they can literally get suspended for their ‘creative interpretations’ of the law!.
• Headline: HOOVER HAILS BOYS AS NATION'S ASSET; He Praises the Scout Movement for Inculcating in Youth the "Patriotism of Peace." ENERGY WISELY DIRECTED President, at Scout Dinner, Pays Tribute to Taft as First Honorary Chief of the Order. Head Says Scouts Aid Hoover. HOOVER HAILS BOYS AS NATION'S ASSET Text of President's Speech. Problem One of Direction. "Portals of Adventure" Opened. Enthusiasm "Treasure of Boyhood.". Impact: Hoover's praise for boy scouts inspired the creation of countless summer camps, where future leaders would learn the fine art of camping, whittling, and how to cook hot dogs over an open fire while avoiding real-world responsibilities.. Fact: Did you know that the 'Patriotism of Peace' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's all get along while we ignore the bigger issues'?.
• Headline: VON TIRPITZ IS BURIED WITH IMPERIAL POMP; Colors of the Kaiser's Navy Drape Bier--Republican Germany Joins in Tribute.. Impact: The Labor Federation's plea to Roosevelt to speed up public work projects ironically led to a series of delays where everyone got so comfortable complaining that they forgot how to actually get things done.. Fact: Did you know that asking Roosevelt to speed things up was like asking a tortoise to run a marathon? Spoiler: It didn't work out..
• Headline: ASK ROOSEVELT ACTION TO SPEED PUBLIC WORK; Labor Federation Officials Also Urge Banning Outside Mechanics on State Jobs.. Impact: Ethyl Hayden's recital was so captivating that it inspired an entire generation of music lovers to realize that you can sit quietly and listen to someone else be talented instead of trying to sing in the shower.. Fact: Did you know that recitals are just an excuse for people to sit in silence while pretending they understand classical music? It's basically a hipster convention for music enthusiasts..
• Headline: MUSIC; Ethyl Hayden's Recital.. Impact: The strange paralysis outbreak in Tennessee led to a nationwide campaign on the dangers of drinking, eventually resulting in the creation of a certain 'sober bar' movement that is still, ironically, a little tipsy.. Fact: Did you know that the quarantine of drinkers in Tennessee was the first hint that maybe bars should consider serving non-alcoholic beverages? It's like they were ahead of their time but still missed the memo..
• Headline: STRANGE PARALYSIS RIFE IN TENNESSEE; 103 Cases Reported in Three Counties--All Patients Quarantined--Nearly All Drinkers.. Impact: The Duke Fund's aid to rural churches and aged ministers inadvertently sparked a trend of wealthy benefactors trying to buy their way into heaven, leading to the rise of 'heavenly investment portfolios'.. Fact: Fun Fact: Supporting rural churches became a popular tax dodge for the wealthy, proving once again that charity often comes with strings attached—like a divine tax deduction!.
• Headline: AIDS 400 RURAL CHURCHES.; Duke Fund Also Helps 214 Aged Ministers in North Carolina..