FEBRUARY 20, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Investigation into Split Fraud Jury Ruling. Impact: The investigation into this jury’s antics leads to a new law requiring jurors to be fluent in English, which ultimately results in a shortage of jurors and a rise in the use of interpretive dance as a courtroom communication method.. Fact: If only the jurors had taken a public speaking class instead of watching reality TV, we might have avoided this mess..
• Headline: Release of Hoboken Piers Urged. Impact: This plea sets off a chain reaction where Hoboken becomes the go-to destination for international shipping, inadvertently leading to the rise of Hoboken-themed merchandise and the birth of a tourist trap.. Fact: Hoboken’s piers are now famous for being the only place where you can simultaneously ship goods and buy a t-shirt that says, 'I Heart Hoboken.'.
• Headline: Legislature Approves Pay Rise for Public Safety. Impact: This pay rise creates a new trend where public servants start demanding their worth, leading to a time where public service becomes the most sought-after career, ironically resulting in a national shortage of baristas.. Fact: Because nothing says 'appreciation' like a budget meeting and a side of political drama..
• Headline: MASTICK ANSWERS PENSION BILL CRITICS; Defends 70-Year Age Limit and Administrative Provisions-- Predicts Prompt Passage.. Impact: As Mastick defends the pension bill, it inadvertently inspires a wave of elderly people taking up extreme sports, leading to a bizarre trend of skydiving seniors.. Fact: 70 years old is the new 30, but only if you’re a politician defending a pension bill..
• Headline: AMERICANS GLOOMY OVER THE RECESS; Delegates Hold Halting of the Conference Deplorable as Settlements Were Near. BUT TREATY IS EXPECTED Article tn London Paper Alleging Big Navy Plans by Us Is Sharply Denounced.. Impact: The gloom leads to a nationwide trend of pessimism, resulting in a series of self-help books titled 'How to Be Gloomy and Still Win Friends,' which becomes a bestseller among introverts.. Fact: Recess is just another word for 'We’ll get to it eventually; right now let’s just stare into space.'.
• Headline: DOCTORS HOSPITAL RECEIVES PATIENTS; $4,250,000 Institution Begins Service--Luncheon Parties Given in Restaurant.. Impact: The opening of this hospital creates a ripple effect, leading to the invention of hospital-themed parties where guests dress as their favorite medical instruments.. Fact: Nothing screams 'we care about your health' like a lavish luncheon in a hospital restaurant..
• Headline: FISH URGES CONGRESS PROTEST SOVIET DRIVE; Offers Resolution Warning of Non-Recognition if Anti-Church Move Continues.. Impact: This protest leads to a bizarre increase in secret church gatherings, ultimately birthing a new underground movement where sermons are held in basements and people start wearing hats that say 'Down with Atheism.'. Fact: If only Fish had known that Congress would turn into a reality show, he might have opted for a less dramatic approach..
• Headline: AWARDS MADE IN 7 SPORTS.; Evening Session of C.C.N.Y. Honors Athletes at Student Assembly.. Impact: This event sparks a fierce competition among schools, leading to the creation of new sports like competitive texting and synchronized studying.. Fact: Winning an award in sports is great, but winning at life involves mastering the art of procrastination..
• Headline: POISON GAS NOT ON AGENDA; Alexander Tells Commons He Knows of No Navy Using It.. Impact: This statement inadvertently makes poison gas the hottest topic of 'what's not to worry about,' leading to a series of awkward naval meetings where everyone just avoids eye contact.. Fact: If only it were that easy to dismiss all the dangers out there; I bet Alexander wishes he could just say, 'Nope, not on the agenda!' at family dinners..